A WAY TO BLOG...FINALLY

( Tammi's way busy with work and A'million, so she's asked me to post this for her )

So much to say.....I have alot to get off my shoulders',but I'll just keep it short I think.I'm not sure how many people remember CJ and I fussing on my blog a while back.....we eventually made up and remained good friends.The best of friends,that is right up until the day before she was found dead from an overdose of medications.The last thing I was told by a friend of hers also,was that it could have been an accidental overdose,or it could have been intentional.She had been going through alot in the days that led up to her death...damn,that's a hard word to type....but she had been the rock that was there for each and every family member and friend that were going through sicknesses,as well as other problems.She actually lost 5 people who were incredibly close to her in a short span of time.Ya know,we laughed alot together,but toward the end,we done alot more crying together.....alot.I still have voice messages and text messages that she sent me literally in tears and in desperation,trying to understand life as well as death,and her trying to understand why such good people had to die.She DID express that she was glad the suffering was over w/ her grandparent and all.....but when I got the call,I just KNEW she HAD to be playing a stupid joke on me.It just couldn't be real.Her girlfriend and others,I was told,took a vote on whether to call me or not,or to allow me to go to her.That infuriated me at first....but then I began to back track and think of how I would feel if I were in their shoes.Ya see,even though CJ and I never had a sexual or even lesbian relationship,I would tell her she should stop useing me to make her girlfriend of 7 plus years jealous.Even I toyed with the idea of giving up men altogether because of her...so I'm not so innocent in this picture either.We DID eventually come to the agreement that we loved each other to pieces,just as good friends,because she loved her GF and raised her/their 2 small kiddo's who she cherished deeply.Plus she expressed that she KNEW I could probably never be a true lesbian,because men have always been my thing.Whether it be bad or good,there was always the "man" issue.
I feel so bad for her mother right now.She and her GF lived there with CJ's Mom because CJ expressed many times that due to her mothers bad health issues,that she would NEVER leave her side.She would never move away and leave her Mom.Never.I want to talk to her...but she was one of the few people that CJ totally expressed to her how much she wished things would work out with her and her"Barbie"(as she always called me)...so I KNOW I was also a source of confusion and anger.Now I feel so rotten.CJ claimed I led her on to believe that we could have a future....even a few days prior to her death,she sent me a text asking me to bring A'million to the hospital so she could see him and me...I told her that could be arranged.Then I decided not to because her and her GF were working things out,and CJ was still telling me something a bit different,so I decided to leave well enough alone,and avoid anymore confusion.
Well...anyways.....I just miss her.Maybe she's up there reading how much I miss her at this very moment.Not a day goes by that I don't constantly have you on my mind,CJ.
She could always make the frown on my face turn to a smile and make things seem not as bad as I seen them,if that makes sense.
Wish I could blog surf from here.I'd rather be in someone else's world than mine sometimes.