MUST REMIND MYSELF....I HAVE 2 KEEP THIS IN MY HEAD 2 AVOID A TRAINWRECK AGAIN!!

After reading PRISON PETE'S day-by-day experience in the Federal Pen(which is alot different than state,btw)..Some call it "Club Fed" for a reason.I've never been to a Fed prison,but I wrote letTers to a guy in one for years,and he told me alot of the reason why Federal was better than State...but either way,ur seperated from your loved ones'..so neither is a good place to be.
I seriously doubt that my blog is interesting to
anybody but me.....but reading some of Prison Pete's
story has really encouraged me to get my thoughts from
my prison life online instead of on-paper.Mainly b/c I
just happened to run across my handwritten experience
the other day and thought to myself..."gee...this is
something that doesn't need to get lost again".Then again,maybe my story can help someone...somehow.
My heart went into my day-to-day prison experience that I
put on those simple sheets of paper,and I really would
hate to lose them.Maybe someone can relate to my
experience....maybe there will be different views on
what it was like....but as for me.....this was my own
personal hell:

After being in 2 county jail's for a total of 8
months....6 months of that time in county I spent w/
Elaine Hayes,one of the co-conspiriters(sp) of a horrible
murder in Tyler Texas.She was a trip btw.Another
story,ending in her BF getting the death penalty and she got life.
When I seen her at Woodman later on,her prison time sheet said clearly,that she
would possibly be eligable for parole in 2040.The parents of Donald Whittington the 3rd
wanted the death penalty for her as well..but she got life.She won't even be a face in the
crowd until 2040.

The jailer came in at 2 a.m. in the morning and said
"Pack it up Corbett,your on the TDC
chain"....omigosh,it was such a relief!! I was just so
happy to get the heck out of that cramped up jail
cell! Handcuffed and shackled,the ride there seemed
like a million miles.The anticipation and the fear of
the unknown was just overwhelming!Not really knowing
exactly what to expect,just mostly thinking about the
many things that I had seen on t.v. or heard from a
couple of people in jail.Before going to jail I don't
recall ever meeting anybody that had ever been to
prison,odd as it seemed.In my mind,watching us pass
cars,I remember thinking"how did I let it ever get
this far?" Yep..I was on my way to the "big house".

We pull into the parking lot of the Woodman Unit in
Gatesville Texas~through a fenced in area.The guards
in gray suits lock it,and then we pull into another
fenced in area and they lock it too.The transportation
weapon that Sgt.Paula was carrying was put into a
lock-box and a mirror was rolled under the bottom of
the van to check for weapons or people that might want
to pull an ambush or something of that nature.I'm lead
into the reception area of TDC along w/ the bag of
things I brought w/ me from the county.They searched
my things piece-by-piece for contraband,letting me keep paper,
stamped envelopes and photo's and white
t-shirts N panties.Things that I was told I could
have.They took away my contacts and hiking boots.I was
told the boots were not allowed because of the metal
hooks on them could be used to make weapons(which,to
me,later on I found out was so stupid,simply b/c they
issue you steel toed boots AND razors to shave
with.Where is the logic in that?

Next an officer says mechanically to "step this way
Corbett....strip down to nothing".She then looks into
your ears,into your mouth,tells you to raise your breasts,then shake your hair
turn around,bend over,spread
your butt cheeks,bend,squat and cough.The whole
process is so embarrasing,the guards never speak,they just YELL OUT every move u are to make
,never cracking a smile.I'm thinking"how rude"!OMG,I have this terrible nervous
condition sometimes,where I somehow manage to laugh
when I'm nervous,even at the wrong times....and holy cow,THAT is one time that
NOTHING should be funny according to that big fat
broad that yelled right in my face when I sniggered & had the nerve to ask "Are u serious"?.I
just thought the raise boobs-bend over-spread ur butt cheeks-squat-cough-shake hair routine wasonly in
the movies.Nope.That officer let me know REAL quick
that there "ain't a fucking thing funny about the
state penetentiary".She had a good point!
Your given an (ugly) white cotton granny gown,and
sent to a small observation cage w/ nothing but a
toilet and about 15 other women crammed in this
tank.One at a time we are taken out and examined by a
doctor from our private parts to our toe-nails
checking everywhere for hidden contraband and
lice.Then we were given de-lice
shampoo....shampooed,and sprayed for lice even if you
don't have it.Given a bag w/ a roll of toilet tissue,a
towel,kotex,and taken to the area called the "Dog
Pound"(and that's exactly what it looks like
too)Approximately 30 cages w/ 8 women to a
cage,upstairs and downstairs.Every inch of every cage
can be seen by officers in the control picket,and it's
degrading as hell.Male officers as well as female can
see ever single square inch of the cages.To me,THAT
was my worste 2 weeks of my stay at TDCJ.One 2 minute
shower a day,up at 3:30 a.m. to be fully
dressed,steel-toed boots and all.3 trips to the chow
hall w/ 10 minutes or less to eat and get out.The rest
of the time you stay in that cage unless
medical,dental or inmate records(for visitation slips
to be made) calls you out.Given inventory slips for
electrical stuff and contacts which the nurse gave
back to me.I stayed in the dog pound for 2 weeks until
I was moved into a dorm w/ 49 other really loud
women.My 1st job was assigned to commissary 8-5.That's
considered a trusted job,so I was told that I may be
stuck on that shitty unit b/c of my job.I stopped being
good at my job b/c I would have died of heat
exhaustion in those dorms!In 2 months I pulled chain
to Reception(cellblock),where the REAL lockdown
began.The day I arrived there,it was basically the
same procedure as Woodman.Strip-bend-spread cheeks-squat-cough-shake hair etc..,Propertyinventoried,classification,etc..An ALL DAY
process(again).This unit is where people stay that can't be
housed w/ other inmates(protective custody)such as Selena's killer.I stayed on that cold cellblock,cold showers,for 3 weeks waiting to get assigned to a
prison unit.I spent Thanksgiving,Christmas and New Years
there.2nd trip to the chow-hall,the table next to me
swore up and down that my name was Darlie Routier(the
crazy one that stabbed to death her 2 sons).That
wierded me out! I didn't have my i.d.on me to prove
otherwise! Had to watch my back going back to my
cell.Classification: I Was first classified to a
trustee unit.Everyone on the block said"no
way,Corbett,your not even a stat-3(trustee).So I spent even longer there getting RE-classified,as they made a
huge mistake.Then was classified to the largest unit,Lane Murray.Maximum security.I was shocked b/c I
had prayed to NOT get sent where my mother had done
her time(Murray) and lo and behold,that's exactly
where they sent me.Right in the same dorm as Diane Zamora,the notorious Texas Cadet
boyfriend/girlfriend murder of the pretty blonde cheerleader.I remember thinking,
WHY WHY WHY am I housed w/ these horrible murderers they make movies about!!
  Had one wierd & seriously uncommon God thing happen.I was soooo  
 shocked when I seen my REAL
mother at reception!! B/C alot of inmates call older women their(play)Mom or Dad,so
 the Leu.thought I was just wanting 2 talk to a make-shift Mom...She had looooong silver hair! I
NEVER knew my mothers hair was ANYTHING but
brownish/black! We cried.We were fortunate to get a 10 minute approval to talk to each other after the
Leiutenent was certain that we REALLY were biological
mother/child.Talk about a God-thing! Out of thousands
of women,and several prison units we ran across each
other.I was coming into prison,she was there at
reception for medical/dental reasons, Then my time came to go to Lane Murray.When we
pulled in it was a cloudy dreary day,which totally set
the dreary mood I was in.Same body search process.Sent
across to a small room w/ others to await inventory of
your propert(again).Checking your slips for your
electrical stuff(blowdryers radios etc).I was assigned
a dorm/cubicle and given a job in maintenance.Seems
like everywhere you go...when you 1st get there...the dorm gets totally quiet and you can feelthe eyes on
you,sizing you up,following your evry move.You just
have to follow the numbers on the cubicles to find
yours,because you sure don't get a welcoming committee
in prison.In fact nobody even likes answering newbie
questions.So to avoid smart-ass comments-you just
don't ask! It's wierd how these people give you these
cold-hard stares and roll their eyes at you-as if to say"Don't even think about fucking with me"!You try not to look intimidated and give back that same
hard-ass glare-but inside I was scared to death and hope it doesn't show outwardly! lol .I put my things down in my cubicle and took a look around and at 1st I
could have sworn I was on a co-ed unit,because there
were quite a few women that would pass for men
easily!They come to prison and take on the roll as a
husband,brother,or father figure that some people miss
dearly.It's game.They return to their proper rolls for
visitation and when they leave to go home.These are
known as stud-broads,butches,bull-daggers,or little
boys.Lovers refer to each other as "my wife".The girly
females are considered "femmes".I'd say at least 85%
of the population participates in homosexual
activity-mostly for commissary or just to continue the
relationship games that they are so accustomed to in
the free-world.Self-esteem is so low they feel they need to get their feeling of self-worth and acceptance
from another individual(even if it has to be a
woman),as long as the need for attention is getting
met.If someone is co-dependent in the free-world,and
never really been alone out there without male
companionship-then they just go ahead and "settle" for
a woman to get all those co-dependent needs met. Marriage cerimonies are taken very seriously in prison.It usually takes place in the restroom area
with someone jiggin' for them(jiggin'=watching for
officers) Sometimes the marriage is complete w/
attendants,flowers,rings,etc...it all seems so crazy for an outsider looking in-but in prison it's taken very serious,and just seems to be the norm. Lines,lines,lines.Everwhere you go-especially
chow-hall and pill-line,there is a long line.If you
get caught talking in that line,you get a case.Talking
anywhere outside the dorm,is a case.An officer will
write you up in a heart beat.It's considered a miner
case,but too many minor cases can lead to getting them
enhanced to a major case.The cosequences of cases
range anywhere from loss of
priveleges(recreation,commissary,visits,library,church ,etc)There are literally hundreds of things that can
get you wrote up.Contraband,failure to do an assigned duty,cursing,fighting...and many many more things can
get you wrote up.Major cases such as sex cases and
fighting can also take your good time away.Chowhall is
sometimes like a social event for lovers to meet and
try to sneak up in the line to be able to sit with
their partner.The chowhall seated 200 people and when
your finished eating you have to raise your hand and
wait on an officer to see you and give you the nod or
say"GO". Lovers quarrels often go on in the chowhall,and it
got ugly.Almost daily you see a fight
somewhere...whether it's the dorm,chowhall,rec,or main
street,so it's not uncommon to hear the officer
yell"Face the wall"!You don't move and you don't turn
around and look or you can get a case. It's never good to make close friends,because you get moved alot.Dorm to dorm...or unit to unit.You may
get sent to other units for a vocation,college,or a
pre-release unit.But in alot of ways,prison friends
often become the support necessary for surviving a
hostile abusive environment that can exacerbate the
low self esteem,lack of initiative and poor decision
making skills that got women into prison in the 1st
place.Often times "so-called" friends can set you up
w/ a shank or other weapons to keep the "friend" from
being released.Nowdays,though,if you maintain good
behavior throughout your stay -then the officials
realize that it's a set-up. Prison is also a place to meet new dope
connections,cooks,and often learn new and improved
ways to committ crimes and get by with it.Or at least
you "think" you are getting by with it...but sooner or
later it catches up w/ you.It's inevitable.It's pretty
cut-n-dry.You break the law,you gamble with your
freedom~and the outcome is never good.
Some officers are decent and treat you w/
respect,but those are usually the new ones.After a
period of time,they develope crappy attitudes like
other officers that have been there a while-also due
to the inmates disrespecting them,and the manipulation
that the hard-core women dish out,which in turn,gets
the officer in trouble by their superiors for the
(new)officer letting the inmate manipulate them.But on
the other hand-the really hard-nose(by the book)
officers get no respect and catch hell from the
inmates.They get psyche meds slipped into their
drinks,get feces and urine thrown on them,and when
he/she trys to say anything to the dorm,people just
yell obsenities back at them(like fat-ass,dumb bitch etc..) The so-called "good" officers know their
boundries,and for the most part are treated decent(not
always).But those always catch hell from their
superiors(rank) for not being more aggressive, but
she'll just blow it off(keeping the popularity among
prisoners if there is such a thing).Guess it's one of
those catch 22's.
Alot of men are literrally escorted off the unit,or
arrested for sexual acts w/ the females(female guards
AND male)The inmate just gets a case and put on
lockdown,and gets a unit transfer.The officer is
history.I seen alot of stuff in that place-and to
think: I thought I saw it ALL in the street!I
witnessed things in there that I hope I never see
again-and some things that are too disgusting to even talk about.Alot of injustice by the system-not just w/inmates!
People say that they don't want to talk about their
crime-that's usually the sex-offenders or
murderers,it's just obvious.But there are no secrets
in TDC.There's always someone from your county that is familiar w/ your case.Or usually once you tell one person,it gets all over thanks to gossipp.
Diseases are rampid in TDC.I was shocked when I
first found out that we were all housed
together.HIV/Aides,Syphillus,Hepatitus,herpes...makes
no difference,you all use the same showers,bathroomsetc..But what was more shocking is to see the number
of people that had aides and were prostitutes on the
streets,not even knowing they had a disease till they
came to prison,spreading it like wildfire. I think,to me,the hardest part of my stayin TDCwas
the seperation from my girls.Even though when I was in
the free-I still wasn't really "there" for them like I
should have been But then you are left alone in prison
with your thoughts(and regrets) of guilt,shame and
remorse and your conscience eventually starts wearing at you for being such a crappy parent.That,to me,is
the true meaning of hard=time!!Having to sit back and
reflect on your life thinking how things could be,or
should have been,but instead you feel like a total
failure as a mother. But then....after the stage of wallowing in
self-pity-I decided that it wasn't going to change ANYTHING to sit and feel sorry for myself.I had to say to myself "O.K.!Those things happened and I can't
turn back time and change it.So now what?What steps
can I take to prevent those things from happening
again?How can I stay out of prison,be a better Mom,and
a productive member of society?"Not only that....but
most of us as drug addicts in the free,built walls
around us and were prisoners of our addictions!
Addiction to
drugs,alcahol,shopping,men,over-eating,under-eating
and many other obssessive compulsive behaviors that
helped us into the gates of the REAL penetentiary.To
many of us...prison was God's way of saving our lives
and those around us.

It's the children that suffer from our crimes.When
we first go down,they hang on to our necks when the
visit is over-begging for you to come home with
them,but then after a while,after they have seen you
come in and out and stay gone for so long-then the
child becomes cold and bitter.They develope a built-in mechanism to shut off their pain...their feelings and
emotions.

There are alot of bad things to speak on about
prison,but the best part of it all,is it's a time for
you to slow dow, sit back and evaluate your life,and
decide what is more important to you,and get your
priorities in order.The daily process there and
negativity eats away at your spirit,but you just have
to find a way to rise above it,and look at all the
positive it brings,and be bound and determined to
leave there a much better person than the one that
came.I had to start right there in prison,learning to
obey even the simplest of rules in order to make parole.
It's not much different out here.To keep your
freedom,obeying the rules and laws of the land will
keep you out of lockup.Just the criminal "sneaky"
behavior can easily take over and lead to crimes that
can get you locked up again. Making parole: To make parole you must meet several
requirements.Your out-date is on your time sheet,but it all depends on what legislature law you fall under when you committed the crime,your criminal
history,your behavior while in prison and many other
things determine when you will make parole or be
released.I recieved 3 (5) year sentences,and a (4)
year sentence(non-aggrivated) that the Judge chose to
run concurrent.If it would have been stacked I would
probably still be there.Really,that's NO time compared
to the people that got life sentences,meaning they
won't even be considered for parole for at least 40
flat calender years!But to me,being locked up a total
of 4 and a half years was an eternity.Few people can
ever imagine just how long even one year in prison
is.In there....time stops.Some days,you don't even
feel like a living being,just exisiting from one day
to the next,coasting through like your in some kind of
bad nightmare and can't wake up out of it.People fail
to realize that being locked up is punishment
enough-your punished in many more ways in prison.But
there are times when you get pushed too damn far and
you just can't keep your mouth shut.You have to stand
your ground or you'll get bullied.You can't stand
there and lose your pride when someone gets in your
face,you have to go right back at them,but look like a
raving lunatic,and 9 times out of 10 they back down
first to keep from getting a case.You live among
people that look as innocent and act as innocent as
the driven snow,but you can't let looks fool you.They
are also faces of baby killers or people that are
locked up b/c of child pornography and abuse!Even gray
haired little ladies shocked me to hear the things
that they done(even in their older years).You live in
dorms full of sociopaths,psychopaths,psychotic,and
people w/ severe personality disorders.Some were born
that way,some just were burnt out from to many harsh
chemicals in the drugs.I found out real quick,it
wasn't just stuff on t.v.~the worste of the worste
criminals are plucked off the street(society's
rejects),so many ppl with arms scarred so badly it reminded me of a child taking a sharpie
marker & drawing lines all over ALOT of ppl's arms where heroine left its
marks that cant be hidden,cept' with long sleeves(and u still see it on the hands).Your put in small confined areas and are told to "get along" with each other"What a joke!

Studies have shown that you can take the wildest
beast in the jungle-put him in a cage,and then take
him back out and into the jungle...and he can't
survive.You've destroyed his automatic defense.Alot of
ex-prisoners never even make it back to prison,but
committ suicide or over-dose,never learning to love
themselves enough to stop destroying themselves.She
has become victimized in the past and just passes it
on as the one being the victimizer,some form of
payback for what was done to them.A viscious cycle.
Those who have broken the law and take
ownership/responsibility for their actions,who feel
connected to family,and to other people,wll have
motivation NOT to break the law again.Whereas,those
who always feel that they are the "victim"of
circumstance,won't stand a chance.
As for me...I had no choice but to own up to my
screw-ups.Poor decision making,that's for sure.The
funny thing is....I was told before I was released,by
a counselor,that the hardest thing to face when you
get out is the decisions..For years you haven't been
able to decide anything for yourself,then all of a
sudden your forced to make all the decisions.At first
it really was overwhelming .Life without
bells,buzzers,locked doors,watching your back,it was
all frightening at first.The right to choose what you
want to eat,what you want to wear,where you want to
go.It all seems so trivial now,but it really was
overwhelming when I was first released.It was
exhausting,and I know it required alot of patience
from people around me.
I was told I would be treated like a leper out
here,by inmates that got out and went back in.I see
what they mean now.Re-intergrating back into
society,and being self-supporting and self-sufficient
isn't as easy as some would like to think,but it can
be done.Tell someone that you were just released from
prison and watch their response.It's almost as if they
can't wait to hurry-up and get their purse locked in

the trunk.lolBut that's the price that you have to

pay,for doing what you KNOW in your heart was wrong in

the first place.Support groups saved my life when I

got out.I finally found a common bond with people just

like me trying to get exactly where I wanted to be in

life.Just free.Free form any kind of

imprisonment,whether it be TDC or the prisoner of your

own addiction.

It was in prison where I finally found that my life

had a purpose...really it always has-but I was too

caught up in the fast life to slow down and see what

my purpose was.

I have reachable goals now and I want more for

myself and my children than what prison life has to

offer.

I feel so much gratitude to my family that stuck w/

me throughout the whole ordeal-it's immeasurable.Those

who ran out on me...well....I don't feel anything

toward them.No anger-no hurt.I ran out on them FIRST.

No...it wasn't the end of the world,like I

originally thought going into TDC.....it was the

beginning of a brand new one~but seeing it through

clear eyes makes a world of difference.

Change is beautiful.

I used to be Tamara Corbett #844943(pic on the right)

Now I'm just Tamara Corbett

no spell check...I'm exhausted from all the typing....Uuugh! lol