MY DEAR SWEET SISTER, WHO IS WAY OFF BASE AT TIMES,BUT I STILL LOVE U THE SAME
Well,lo and behold....I should have known that I wasn't gona catch it from just Daddy.I see you have managed to find the link too.Since you are the computer whiz,I'm figuering maybe you found it BEFORE they did...but either way.That's OK.
Even BEFORE the blog finding....I've always got the impression that your European life-style is supposed to be perfect,while you have given me the impression that I am trailer park trash.....and (lol) I don't even live in a trailer.(btw,nothing against ppl that DO live in mobile homes or trailors)...It's a place to hang your hat,huh?
When Ray and I lived in a motel for a while,it was only because his job moved around,and since my kids no longer live at home,I had the choice to move with him,so I did.But I can see why I got that email from you asking me WHY in the world would I live in a motel instead of a house.Being that it was job-related,I don't see how hard that was to figure out why.But even though you should know that I LOVE YOU DEARLY....you have really got to let the old Tammi die and stop flinging accusations about how I must be in deep s****,etc.You REALLY should just accept the fact.I am NOT the old Tammi.OK,if you heard from a realiable source that I have been useing drugs THEN you can worry.But you don't talk to anyone here in the states that know or see me...even our family,and even THEY couldn't say I'm on drugs.they KNOW I'm not.First of all my kids would know.Then my other members of my family,who I don't see that often,so how can you anylize a simple email and jump to those conclusions?That really kinda hurts....but hell,even my size would verify that I don't indulge in anything unless it looks like a donut or Milky Way..lol.If I were hoopin' it up--believe me,I'd be a skinny size 3 and shopping in the teen section.I'm NOWHERE NEAR a size 3.(bummer).But if it takes drugs to be a skeleton again,then I guess I'll keep wearing this big booty proudly :-}
I hate feeling that I have to defend my way of life.But you say why do I dredge up the past?Why not leave it alone and move on?Well,if you'll recall....I DID THAT once.I chose to totally forget and block out my lockup time,and in NO time,back in the clink I went.THEN while sitting in that cell,I remember thinking to myself...HOW could I have forgotten how miserable this cell is?This food?This noise?
I've been out a long time now...6 years....and I don't mind sharing my prison or jail experience with anyone.Like someone mentioned in that link....it's almost like therapy.NOT to mention the person that has taken each part of my life and is putting together a book about my sorted life that unfortunately I won't have the rights to.....but he's sent funds every month up until here recently the questions are moreless wrapped up,and I'm not needed but every-so-often.Helping w/ this book was REALLY hard,ya know?Because I've had to dig way back in my mind from when I was a child to Barber College w/ 2 kids,working full time doing hair,then the drugs,the dancing,and how it all affected Rayven and Kalon,and everything that led up to going to prison,and NOW what it takes to stay out.I can see why you would think that would be scarey,shareing so much info,even tho he only has my P.O. Box.....But for me to use my screwed up life to help someone else is the ultimate "high" for me.I NEVER could relate to the nice people with degrees.I understood more from the women that had been-there-done-that and lived through it becoming a much better person.I hope this book reaches the hearts and minds of alot of younger kids....because THAT'S where ALL my problems began.
Sis,I do love you and have always been so incredibly proud that you chose the right road instead of the one I took.You made something of yourself,having a terrific carreer,married a good man,raised an incredible son,owning your own home,and well...just doing the right things to keep your home in order.
Fingerpointing doesn't make me mad anymore,or even hurt,it REALLY does tickle me....cuz c'mon....THINK about this for a second before you move on......."SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT".....so when you are doing the fingerpointing I just laugh at those kinds of email's.Because when someone closest to me reads such accusations and can laugh so hard at how absurd it sounds...then I know I can do the same.I keep telling you to call me,and I've had the same #'s for a while now.I get our 7 hour differences in the countries mixed up....but if I call,I'd rather not spend anytime defending my not-so-perfect way of life.I'd like to talk about the fact that you are my ONLY blood/complete/whole sister.Same Mom...same Dad another words.Let's not talk about anything silly,or waste our time on hurtful words.I miss you dear sister.Oh,and I'm sorry I may have sounded unstable by saying I would looooove to come to Europe to spend some time w/ you guys.....You've asked me so many times to come,and that has been a dream of mine to come to Europe also.So.....another words...no,I'm not going nuts wanting to come there and get away from here.I just thought it would be cool to get to come since I am being paid for being off work right now.
Below,of course,is the link to Mom and Daddy.
~TAMMI In TEXAS~: DEAR DADDY & MOM
I love you with all my heart,sister.But if you don't want to get shocked every now and then.....then I guess you better not linger on my blog too long.You may find your hair standing straight up on the ends! :-}
I love my group of blogger friends.I can tell them anything and not be judged harshly....sure we all judge,we can't help it,especially us women(laughing)...it's in our blood.But I've been given alot of support throughout the years.And it hasn't always been in a "push-up" type form.People don't always say what u want to hear...but that is just the way it should be.That's life.If you want help with an issue,then be prepared to be told something you may not want to hear.
This is a support group where I don't even have to doll up to go to.I can come in my housecoat if I want.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
DEAREST SISTER
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20 comments:
Well said,Tammi, Well said. I hope your sister "gets" it. She is lucky to have a wonderful sister like you!
Patti Cake*Thanks for saying that....but I know she's probably got her head in her hands right now thinking..."Dammit,why can't I have a NORMAL family"? "A decent sister" etc...etc...
WoW!
I suppose I could do my OWN book writing from the way I go on and on and on.One way or another,I seem to get my point across or so they say.
I feel like the elderly church people that take their time out of the day to knock door to door spreading the gospel,with one foot in the crack of your door,so you don't shut his/her foot in the door.Ohh snap! I would NEVER do that....but sometimes,like an uncle I have....well,for heaven's sake(no pun intended) ramming religion and your OWN beliefs are not necessary....but no amount of hinting ever stops some of them.So call me a weiner if u want....but I'll slip off and have my friend call me,after I run back to the door w/ the holy men...the cell "oddly" rings, and then I commence my ungodliness saying: "WHAT?? COME OVER THERE NOWWWWW?" "I mean,I have holy men at my door"!!"Ohhh OK.I'll be there in 5 minutes,don't cry!! I'm slipping on my slides now"
Then,of course that abrubtly ends the meeting,leaving me feeling like God's gona get me for that.YA THINK?
But maybe it's Gods way of saying "YUP!! LOOK AT YOU LIL MISSY!" SO you say WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN "MEEEE"?
Yikes.....ending on THAT note.
Geez,I can be such a douchebag sometimes. :-{
Di8d I say "douchebag"? (no telling what will fly out of this pie-hole these days!
We can't be forever branded by our past, and I wish others would really SEE where you're at now and praise you for managing to come out the other side a good person. Others can wonder and judge and say what they like but the most important thing is that YOU know where you're at and that you're comfortable with that.
I too hate having to defend my way of life or what I'm doing with it, it's unfair. I think you're doing the best you can with any given situation you find yourself in.
We all have thoughts going on in our heads, some we never act upon, others we try our utmost to put into action. Life gets in the way of that sometimes, so it makes it even harder to keep upright. Family is certainly important to help through the rough times, lend support, give love and also tell us if we're making a hash of things...but not in an accusatory way, that's just upsetting. Finger pointing serves nothing but to make others look at the pointer closer and start making judgements themselves.
Lucky for you, you have an inbuilt need and want to survive and keep on track despite what comes about. You're a beautiful person Tammi...you have a kind warm heart, a wonderful personality and a great sense of humour. I'll be your sister anytime...chalk me up with the rest of them, because I've no doubt there'd be plenty of others standing in line for the title.
See? I can go on and on too! lol
We are the architects of our lives and we are the ones that decide what we want to do, right or wrong.
The only person you hurt in the end is yourself if you are wrong, so I don’t see what others have to say about how you live unless they are involved or sharing the motel room with you and in that case did they pay their share of the rent?
I am sure you have learned from your decisions in the past and from what I see here you know what is going on around you now even if it does look all jumbled and fucked up.
I see a survivor in you and you’ll do fine in an environment you crave and understand better than the one you are in now.
LISA*
Hey chic-a-dee...I wish I could be that sister that could be bragged on for her lifetime acheivements,etc...but since I made a mess of that.I just wish they (mostlt my sister) could accept me for who I am now.Lord knows,back on the early 90's,I certainly couldn't accept WHO I WAS...muchless expect anyone to understand why I was living my life like a stunt person.lolAnd anyways....why do the neccessarily have to put light poles so CLOSE to the curb? Don't they know there are people,such as myself trying to drive and hold my booze without spillin'? And one little false move and my car whacks the ENTIRE pole in half.Ohhhh the nerve of the state or county to put those things so close to the damn road! GEEZ!
OK OK...not so funny,I bit my tongue in half,lost half(less than half) of my liver.My spleen.ANYWAYS,like other nutty times,I MADE IT.Whew! Close call.
So what does my sister have to talk about around the water cooler?Certainly not me,I suppose.But I just can't always live up to their standards.I can't and won't stress on measuring up.I'm proud...so unbelievably proud that I am NOT the Tammi that I was before May 5th,2000.I didn't even like that Tammi,so why should I ever expect ANYONE to like her.I was a cheap tart,that if you were a man and didn't have money,you were invisible.Love em and leave em.But as I said before,basically at the top.Granny ALWAYS said....what comes around goes around.You reap what u sew....and holy cow...I've done alot of reaping from the wild oats I've sewn.So now that the old Tammi is gone bye-bye....shit,I'm STILL trying to figure out who this person is in this body?
All I can say is what a really sweet lady told me once(and BROKE IT DOWN)she said....."Progress,not perfection,my love"....and so hey...I can dig that.As long as I'm not regressing....isn't that a word? Well,as long as I can show myself all the wonderful progress.....why should I worry about the he/said---she/said----or personal attacks on my character.
Lets all just have a world-wide "who-gives-a-F***-party"?
Sounds cool to me!
(giggles)
LISA*I had you on my mind....but meant to tell Walker....assure Waker there were not more than Ray and I in that room or ya'll would prolly be reading a front page artical where some Texan went nuts and.....Um....um....nevermind.
But OH GIRL!I began over-thinking this shit and ran you and Walkers comment back at cha'...together.So beat me.
Never mind,that would be too much-needed action,in which I would probably ask for more-more-more!
WALKER*Since you and Lisa are amongst the top of my list(which I need to alphebetize,btw)then it seems as though you 2 think alot alike and so why the hell can't I just put u both in this comment section? How bout it? huh,huh,huh?
(sorry,my mind goes faster than the keys on this keyboard.)MUST be the keyboard,as I will NEVER own the fact that it's my typing.
Tamster,
Take it from another one who knows about stigmas, sometimes, even your own family will FAAAAAAHHHHHREAK about a metamorphosis.
When I decided to work in a prison, my mom freaked and attempted to scare me out of it...over Christmas dinner. Normally, I have the appetite of a horde of Vikings but that night, I lost it rather quickly.
When I got promoted, mom freaked.
When I became an internet DJ, my family was puzzled...they saw the myspace site, they all freaked. Apparently, they didn't know their own son was a practicing Satanist for a time. I take it wearing Baphomet sigils didn't open up some eyes.
When they found out I was on a t-shirt, they flipped.
When they found out I was doing all this for free...they lost it.
Let's not even go into getting ordained.
Family is funny but after all the freakouts they'll be ok. Mine still has yet to accept that I have something called a Fuck You Cannon.
Tammi im sorry about what your sister is doing you know im here for you...anytime you need a friend you have me im not that far away and i would do anything for you. i lost my sister to a murder and its still killin me. but you know that..honey i wish you nothing but the best and i'll always be there for you hugs keep your head up and know im here for you shugs. talk to you soon
luv ya girl your friend CJ
LISA*WALKER*D.J.**
You know....as always...there are 2-sides to EVERY story.If Mom,Dad,or my sister decided to comment here and say ANYTHING that's on their mind,I would be so happy.No hard feelings(I think)....kidding.
Mom,Dad,Sis...?What you say will only be read by a few bloggers..........nationwide,that is(lol)
OK....that's not funny,I know.But if you don't want to blog me.I understand.As most people prolly realize,there is more to Tammi than just what "Tammi" has to say.
I Love You.Whatever you want to say or vent....please feel free.I know I've hurt alot of people in my wild and crazy days....but I don't want you thinking I am still in that same HURT YOU -MODE....If I could see you more,you would all know and look back on the accusations (sis) and laugh.But that's OK....cuz at least I know you care enough to bring it to my attention that it is a "worry" that you have been carrying around.Thanks for just letting me know how you feel and not shutting down our line of communication,period..
Sure wish we all lived close enough to go sit down at a Starbucks and have a java and a good talk.Are we all afraid to use Ma Bell in case of a misunderstanding? I'm here if you want to talk.If I don't get a call soon,I'llbe the brave one :-}
I love you and adore all 3 of you guys.Your my family,and were the best support system during prison when I needed you the most,and I STILL feel I can talk to you......scuse the blabbering on my blog....but day-to-day life isn't exactly what I thought it would be while in the pen.ut you have certainly treated me the same whether I was in chains and cuffs or sitting by the Christmas tree having casual conversation,and I will ALWAYS adore you for that.ALWAYS.
Thank God for 2nd --3rd---maybe 4th chances?lol
Gosh I love u guys w/ all my heart.
T.
Hey Tex, I hope things cool down with the family soon. I guess I'm lucky. I don't think my family gives a crap what I'm doing or saying, so even if they found it they wouldn't bother to read it. Then again, the fact that they never did care much about me didn't do me much good growing up. I guess it's a double-edged sword, eh?
Memphis Steve*I can totally agree when it comes to my BIRTH mother,and so yea.I know what you mean.She would be the same way.If you pushed the blog in her face,she reads excellent,but would be like...."what is this crap?"
"How silly"..."don't have time to read that crap"
In fact,she would prolly say....hey! Will that get me a date? Put in a good word!!LOL
But Daddy and Mom are very discreat,and so is my sister.Besides my kiddo's,those 3 have always got my love and respect,and it bums me that I have to keep unloading my head with various stuff that they may or may not agree with.But HEY! It's allllll good.I'm here to stay and don't plan on censuring what I think and feel.So Daddy,cover your eyes! *wink*
I could have made a post instead of hogging the comment section.
I want halo! I want Halo! I want Halo!
(that's me being a whiney-bag cuz I can't figure it out!)
Any help would be so appreciated.
Carey? You always do my dirty work?lol
love ya!
and I don't just say that so you'll come to my rescue.....I do have much love for my best bud!
hey tammi you haven't called me in a while and i was going to go see you on tuesday or wednesday or this week so please call. thanks miss my friend talk to you soon CJ
Hi Tammi
Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I'm not sure how you found me but you're welcome to add me to your blogroll if you want.
Take care and hope you have a good Sunday.
BOBBIE*Thanks hun.My Sunday is TERRIFIC.Hope yours is as well!
Honey, you have to live your life for yourself and no one else. I think you are a remarkable woman with a lot going for you. Hugs!
You know what... I think this is absolutely sad - almost pathetic that you have to air our dirty laundry on the internet - but if that's what you want - guess I can't do anything about it. That's what a freedom is all about. But I will say this- if you are going to put this stuff out for the public to read, I would appreciate it if you would leave your exagerations for your book writing friend - you've blown alot of stuff out of porportion to make me look like a snooty ass and I don't appreciate it. You didn't bother to mention any of the times that I sent $ to try and help you out of a rut - or sympathized with you when things were so bad at home - but after so many sob stories I just had my suspicions that maybe - just maybe some of the issues in your life were brought about on your own. The only thing I have EVER stressed to you is what I believe - everyone is responsible for their actions and we have the power to change the things in our life that are not a positive influence - and by telling you that - I've been slammed all over the internet to people who don't have a clue who I am (including you). I haven't lived in the USA for over 18 years - how could you possibly know what I think about anything? Wanna talk about hurt feelings??? don't go there...
KAEFER MAMA AKA "My sister"
I feel the same way."How could you possibly speak on things that you don't have a clue about"?I don't blame you ONE bit for living overseas where you live because I would have done the same thing.Our family has been a mess...me included,of course.YOU SAY "how could I possibly know what you think about anything"?(concerning YOU).....well,in answer to THAT question,could it be the email's you send with terrible hurtful and downright mean things about me in them? THtat's EXACTLY tells me what YOU think.
You've sent me money twice in 6 years,once when I FIRST got out of the pen (6 weeks out) and you visited me at a terrible roach infested mobile home.It's all I could afford so that I could at least live in a house with both my kids,as our dear mother wouldn't accept BOTH my kids at her house...so I moved into the only thing I could pay for,and we were happy as we could be just having a place to call our own.You came down and was mortified at my living arrangements,went back home and told me to go find a better place and you would help me get in it,and even told me you WOULD NOT take no for an answer...even when I said "that's OK"!! We will be fine.You INSISTED.I've spent 6 years thanking you every-so-often for the love that I felt in those days.Not to mention the help you sent my way while I was in prison.
It's been all through my blog how my ONLY support system was my Dad,step-mom,and one sister overseas.Even when I got out you guys were STILL there for me.
I haven't aired much of anything about your business,nor Daddy and Mom's,because SOME things I feel are better left unsaid.Plus,you've done nothing personally,other than mislead email's to hurt me.But as far as scooty and the rest of the clan,I haven't shared much,but when I do,it's my perogitive.They have no respect for themselves,and sure don't have any for me or anybody else and you know this just from your few visits.As far as airing YOUR dirty laundry....never have ,never will.Ohhh,just things like the gift issue that took place where I wound up in the middle of.But things like that are not blog-worthy dear sister,and I wouldn't do that out of simple respect for you and M and D.You know the incident that I am reffering to.I heard it from both angles when it really wasn't even my business.But to see Mom hurt,made it MY business,big time.But yet and still,I never wanted anything from you,but to be a good sister and be here for you as well.But your so busy finding what YOU think is fault,it is simply clouding your vision,because no matter what you think,or what you say to me....I am your biggest fan and will love you no matter what disagreement we have.
You may want to cast me out with the rest of them,like our real mother or other siblings....but there's one thing you can't do is make me hate you,no matter what you say or do.I love you girl.
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