On a lighter note...FIRST...I put myself on a "Looking 4 friendship" website,and now I feel like a pervette .Cuz I have really been following up on the leads.LOL
Oh well....it's a really fun way to spend a boring afternoon.It's pretty neat.But I wouldn't go as far as buying into any of them.It's not as if I don't meet people face to face,and I honestly can't imagine finding true love on one of those...but I DO know it happens to alot of people.My best friend(since elementary) lost her husband to a very well off woman in Oklahoma,and now my friend refuses to even touch the computer.The thing is...my best friend and her ex weren't hurting for money AT ALL.What a peckerwood,cuz she treated him like a king (from what I could see anyways).
Next issue that might be a mind blower.One that I hope doesn't affect a persons thinking,in that maybe scooty doesn't need to be here,because HERE is EXACTLY where he needs and wants to be.
.But I feel the urge to talk about something that has been nagging the h*** out of me.I did time in prison w/ a girl that tryed her hardest to make the "usual penetentiary love affair" happen with me,and I MUST say...after you spend over 4 years locked down w/ a dorm of 155 broads,sometimes your mind tends to wander...and then sometimes you even follow through w/ that thought.Hmmm....anyways,most people get out and you never hear from them again,even though both of you SWEAR you'll always be friends inside those razor wires AND outside of them,it just don't seem to always work that way.Much to my surprise my friend that had been locked down on a murder charge for over 20 years...who I kept having to remind (while we both were in the pen)that"no no no,I will NOT bulldag with you...number one reason being I WANT TO MAKE PAROLE AND CAN'T GET A SEX CASE!" Number 2 reason was clear as a bell....even though alot of years or whatever the reason...her anger lessoned and she stopped useing razors to cut up other women or guards over her girlfriend problems(JEALOUSY),but hell,I wanted to leave there disease free and scar free!So I decided to keep reminding her that we had to be JUST FRIENDS.We ate together.Walked the rec. yard together,and she even had my back on one occasion and scared the living h*** out of one broad that got nasty w/ me,as the whole unit knew she would take that razor from under her tongue and use it in a heartbeat.Matter-of-fact,she spent 6 FLAT years on cell-block for cutting and fighting.That's an itty bitty room w/ no cell mate,no work,no school,no movement period.I couldn't handle the thought of going thru that,because doing time was hard enough staying busy all day.
Here's my point.I'm so sick of being a man';s door mat,and have visualized her....I suppose mainly because she started calling me for a few months and hinting that NOW we can do whatever we wanna do.My better judgement said"stear clear".She lives 2 and a half hours away,and just the thought of the REASON she did time in the 1st place gives me the creeps.Murder...stabbed the guy 46 times in anger.But daaaaamn! She is soooo pretty and built like somebody from a playboy magazine,btw....and the person that I KNOW and talk to does NOT seem like the person that did all the cutting OR the murder rap.It's like I know a different person than what my maintenance boss in TDC always said about her.He,btw,worked for the prison system till he retired and when I worked maintenance he told me all the stories of her and her lovers fights and the fights she had w/ ANYBODY that looked at her wife(as you are called) when you've been w/ someone for a while in TDC.
I've never considered myself a full-fledged lesbian....but my mind is going in a wierd direction these days,and it's almost too crazy to even blog what is REALLY going on in this head.Oh the confusion.I've been a pretty good girl since I've been out.Since TDC spanked my hand,I don't want to be near anything that resembles trouble.So now...what do I do w/ all these mixxed emotions?My guy friend/neighbor says "girl + girl..AWESOME...do it"(and some other lame shit)...but he's a ding-dong anyways.Why did I even ask his nerdy opinion.
Too much sexual tension I suppose.Maybe a good stiff one will snap me back to reality.Who knows.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
UPDATES and POSSIBLE MIND BLOWER :-}
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17 comments:
wow those are some mixed feelings, i've never really thought about women in that way but i suppose you should never say never...but the woman in question this time is probably the wrong choice if you were going down that road...stay safe...
and i loved in her shoes, man i cried thru that, i'm a softy too ya know...lol
*hugs*
MAGPIE*Hey chic-a-dee.Ya know,I seen "In Her Shoes" right after my surgery(medicated)and I'm straining my brain to remember even bits and pieces.I just remember thinking:"this movie sux".Maybe I should try seeing it again,but not on heavily sedated medication.
Hey you, if you if you should decide to be with another woman, not a big deal. Heck, when you think about it men and women are such different creatures. At least two women probably think a whole lot more alike making things easier. So guy or gal, it's all up to you.
Just be carefull however. This friend worries me. She probaly would not show you the not so nice side of her unless you cross her. Than I would be worried. She has a temper or something that got her in trouble to begin with. I kind of doubt that just went away.
The other thing that worries me is you did your time and you are tring to keep from ever going back. Make sure that she does not become a ticket back to where you spent several years of your life. I mean she may be just as determined not to go back either and that would be a good thing. But aren't the odds against someone. Don't more people get locked up again than don't? Just be carefull, OK?
I sure hope something can happen with Scotty soon. Take care of yourself Tammi.
The easy one first. Ignore your neighbor...like every other guy on the planet, it's just his fantasy to watch or participate.
As for your old friend...why not check her out? I mean, sure, she can talk the talk, but what has she been doing since she got out? Staying clean? Getting into trouble? One step ahead of the parole officer? If she really is headed the same place you are, it's another friend and maybe more. If she isn't...you don't want to be in the same county with her, let alone the same house!
Who wants to go out with anyone that stabbed someone 46 times.
How are you syupposed to get anysleep.
Shit that how do you eat steak with blunt plastic knives and forks because there wont be anything metal or sharp in the house.
Tell your friend that the computer didn't steal her husband.
His cheating heart and greed did and the hussy in Oklahoma.
Personally I see nothing wrong with messing with a woman.
I try all the time LMAO
Have a nice day :D
hi tammi....i can understand how you feel about your friend.... we've had some conversations on here before so i know you'll believe me when i say that to be with someone like your friend would be a fantasy come true...just an amazing turn on..........but in reality lets face it... it sounds pretty dangerous...i mean no disrespect to your friend...she may very well not be the same person that did all that crazy stuff a long time ago, but i wouldn't want to take a chance on her getting jealous....and you have to figure in this case the jealousy could be over anybody ....male or female......you seem like such a person tammi...just be careful.......but man! you must have some wild stories to tell.....good luck....
bill ( bl200600 )
I did write a comment when I was in here earlier. and it was a HUGE comment too lol And then I hit publish and everything went haywire (something to do with being down for maintenance). Anyway, what I have of it (I cut and pasted that mess left behind), I shall email to you...complete with all the little symbols that turned up lol
ok, I'm back, and I have deleted all the symbols from my earlier comment and here it is. Brace yourself lol
If the thought of getting it on with another woman is doing it for you at the moment or forever after then why not? You're your own person, whoever you're attracted to is your thing.
But (sorry about the but lol)...don't forget the reason she was there in the first place. Don't forget that she could whip that razor out and lay it on whoever hacked her off at the time.
If it was for burglary or even arson etc, I'd find it easier to cope with than murder via a razor (or any weapon for that matter.) 46 times? holy hell.
If I read you right it would seem to me that if you were going to go down that track with her, you would have done it in the penn. You chose not to then, so why start thinking about going there with her now? If I decided that I was keen to be with a woman in a sexual sense, then I doubt I'd go for one that had an anger problem of such proportions. And IF I did go there with her, then I'd always have in the back of my mind what COULD happen. Which can't be a particularly healthy or 'free' way of viewing any relationship.
There are so many other choices of healthy women and men out there to be discovered. why would you choose one that could harm you? Not saying it would happen for sure of course but there's that possibility I guess. I'm not saying I wouldn't get in touch to catch up with her. I'm just saying I can't sleep with one eye open lol
Whatever you do, be safe. She sounds dangerous.
WOW! I think the majority of votes here seem to follow my gut feeling.Especially knowing that there is MORE to this whole story than in my post.I just didn't want to bore the socks off of everyone.In TDC (prison) she was a major aggressor,and I would have LOVED to lose control and "just do it"...but in all honesty..I wanted to make parole and she had already just got a 2 year set-off and didn't care if she got caught.She had nothing to lose.I would have lost my maintenance job,my trustee status,but more importantly the chance to be home w/ my daughters quicker than if I got a sex case and therefore ALSO got a 2 year set-off.Those of course mean,your file is stashed to the back for 2 years and they don't even think about you getting out for another 2 years.They wait and see if you can act right INSIDE and follow the simplest of rules to determine if you will act right on the OUTSIDE.I just felt that getting your needs met may be ok,but not with someone who is known to cut someone in a heartbeat.Like the 6 year relationship she had w/ another girl...they cut each other over sheer jealousy.So I'm definately hearing what is being said in this comment section.I mean...REALLY? Is a little...maybe ALOT of fun and personal satisfaction worth my freedom or maybe even my life?I KNOW people can change.SURE.People don't recognize me or even the person I am now.My kids used to call me a boring Nun sometimes...and I was A-OK with that.It was better than the dodging the warrants days.I STILL have too many flaws to count...but at least I don't jeapordize my freedom or life anymore.In the fast lane,my Dad even took out major insurance on me b/c of the over doses and wrecks and you name it.
OK,but that's not the whole issue here...but the confusion and the needyness is dragging me down.
I don't consider myself a full fledged lesbian,although there have been....yes Bill,a few bones in my closet.Everytime I open my mouth a bone goes flying out.(slapping my hand).I could blame those on alcahol and mind altering chemicals...but what's my deal? I'm sober?! What can I blame this on?
I talked to her on my cell at 5:30 in the morning a few days ago,and was getting a bad signal,and like a wierdo I pulled to a SCREECHING HALT on the side of the road in a curve.When I hung up,I just HAD to laugh at myself while I picked up the contents of my purse I had slung all over the floor board,slamming on my brakes,skidding to a stop just so I didn't lose the signal.
I have a friend that I talk to regularly on the phone,that I won't discuss ALL the details on her.....but she's a lesbian living w/ someone for the last 3 years and wants to go further....I really like her,but she's got someone,and tells me I am probably riding the "weiney cart"....which in her terms means I don't know what I want.A HE.....A SHE......Or even a HE/SHE....All I know is I just want companionship and some good sex.Is that so wrong?
I would love to comment on each individual suggestion,but I'd take forever,and I've gone on long enough
Tammi, if you must have a label, what is wrong with calling yourself bi. Take yourself in what ever the right direction is at the moment. Hey if you keep letting the bones out of the closet, soon you will have none left. Wouldn't that be nice?
I think you nailed it in your first sentence with "my gut feeling". Follow your instincts I reckon. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do :)
a funny thing tammi....after i first read and responded to this blog i looked back at some of your posts on the prison boards...a while back you had posted the address of your friend who was at the time still in prison...well lol...i wrote her a letter, but for some reason it came back...she never received it...i made a mistake with her id number or something like that and the prison sent it back.....i'm curious.....is this the same girl? i'm not sure why , but i never resent it....
bill ( bl200600 )
I only posted one persons name and TDCJ number asking for someone to write her.So yea,the person I was referring to is the same person.That was quite a while ago,and she's also been out a while.So maybe she was already out.Not sure.But if even ONE number is off,the letter always goes back to the sender.Or if you put TOO much cologne,or certain types of stickers...there are many reasons why a letter will get kicked back.She gave me the OK to give her info...But she wrote and told me she got several letters from people and wasn't really interested in writing most of them because she was so close to getting out.
I hope this isn't taken the wrong way...But truth be known,she kept sending me money slips to help her out,and I couldn't at first because both my girls were in cheerleading,I was going to college,and working fulltime to pay the bills...so money was stretched to the max.So my hope was that she could connect with someone that had the means to help her.I know that sounds like I was trying to find her what is called (in prison) a "trick".Because there are tons of women getting money from several men and writing them all the same kind of "I love you"(bullshit)letters.But she was not like that at all.She didn't have a string of guys or women sending her money.She DID at one time correspond with a guy that sent her plenty of money,and even subscriptions of girlee magazines,but that fizzled out I guess.Besides her needing help...just getting your name called at mail call is a HUGE ordeal.It's like you hold your breathe the whole time they are calling out mail,praying to hear from home...and if you don't,then at least you can sometimes hear from somebody in the free that cares enough to sympathize w/ your situation and keep you in contact with the outside.Just a simple letter,even from a stranger that you are writing back and forth can make a shitty day turn around on you and put a smile on your face.Money involved or no money.Just a kind conversation.
I'm not sure why yours never reached her,cuz she did get a unit change,but 99.9 percent of the time,all your mail follows you wherever you go as long as you are still in TDC.If your released it goes back to the sender.There is always a Huntsville phone number that anybody can call to get the status on an inmate if you decide to write someone again.
That was really cool of you to try and write to her anyways.Thanks for the effort.Sorry it never got to her though.Since she's in the free now,sorry Charlie--if I can't have her...I can't see why anyone else should..Just kidding! (laughing at my crazy self).
lol...that's ok tammi...i've heard about tricks and stuff like that....at the time when i was reading your posts i thought that i would give writing to her a try....the letter never got there, but maybe it was for the best....from what you say about her though she sounds like she's really something.....
bill
well tam you need a big stiff one huh>? and you never thought of your self as a full lesbian? interesting for me to know since we've been talking for a while and you said you really liked me!!. guess all things change i mean with me being lesbian and all. maybe i got the wrong idea? hmmm anyway for those of you that dont know tam in person she's beautiful and outgoing. anyways im out have a good one later CJ
OK CJ....I'm hearing you.But do I sense a tad of jealousy over HER? YOUR the cutie with a three year relationship w/ your GF,and I can't be a "back door" kind of person.Sneaky was the old Tammi....our conversations have been good.But how can I help but feel you are useing me as a way to make her "J".I've traveled to see you to prove MY point.And you know your welcome to come here,but you haven't mentioned that.
HEY! Hold up...I'm calling you on the telly right now.If you hadn't had to go pick up you GF that night!!! Maybe things could have got more intense when I came to see you....but there she was.Looking at me like a jealous fatal attraction type broad.THAT'S just what I need! Break up a relationship.Move closer and you do me like you say you want to do her.Maybe,maybe not.....but I like you ALOT.But I have to watch my P's and Q's and refuse to put myself in any position to wind up back in jail over my lust for someone who belongs to someone else.
Tammi,
You know what? The mixed feelings don't surprise me at all. They did when you threw them on me after just waking up but, after some thought, they're not really all that surprising.
After the last dude you were with, I wouldn't blame you BUT with someone as violent and with as many issues as your friend, I think your senses telling you to say "Uh Uh, Hell No" and book in the other direction...well they might be right.
Chances are, right now, you're going through the same thing I went through about two years ago and it happens but now is not the time to act upon them. Now is the time to think back and reflect and really get to know just what common thread is running within your past relationships other than the fact that they were all male.
Just remember, if you ever get confused, you still have plenty of friends who love you bunches and care for you. I know I speak for myself when I say, my line is always open. Need advice or just to vent, hell, you know where to find me or any of the rest of us and, believe me, if you call me on a night I'm off and you need to vent, go for it.
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