Tuesday, December 6, 2005

FREEDOM...???

What is the REAL definition of FREEDOM?
I'm not seeing it.No more Ray.No more hick town,no prison or jail....Yet,I still don't feel free.I feel so shut down....like my wheels are spinning,yet I am getting nowhere.Yea,I did find a place.A place I figured would be sorta like a dormatory type setting,until I could do better....but after being there at night,I realized that maybe my choice in housing wasn't so good.In the daytime it appeared just sorta old....and how bad could it be,being that it's only 2 blocks away from the police department,right?I guess my choice wasn't as smart as I thought.Pimps,prostitutes,druggies......the lady and her husband that run the place I stay at watches out for any kind of drug activity etc.. and trys to keep it under control....but all up and down the street is unbelievable.I just want to pull over and tell one of those women"hey girl!You should dress warmer if you don't wanna catch a cold"!!LOL Seriously tho,I have locks on my door and I'm still scared as hell.
Thanks to my friend,I'm still afloat though.God only knows where I would be if it weren't for my friend up north.God only knows.

I haven't changed my phone to this room,so I can hook up my computer b/c I really didn't plan on staying in this place.Soooo...??? Not sure what to do next.Each move I make doesn't seem to be a very smart one,so I better wait and be sure of what to do next before I do it.I thought leaving Ray would be an easy transition...it hasn't been so far.It does feel pretty good to be able to come and go as I damn well please....but where do I go,and what do I want to do? By the time I pay bills I can't afford to do much of anything,unless I go out on a date.....and I just haven't been interested in the dating scene at all.So,I suppose going solo will take alot of getting used to.Once I get into a house where I can get all of my things out of storage,and have my OWN kitchen etc,....I KNOW I'll be fine.But for now,I'm unsettled,and unhappy.I like being settled down w/ all my things in one spot and not scattered from my Mom's to my storage building to a room with triple locks.This scattered feeling leaves me feeling unsettled and it's driving me nutty.
So in case anybody has been wondering what I have been up to.....well,there it is.I want to say this newly found freedom has been awesome....but I would be lieing.No more fussing and fighting everyday is great.But being scattered from here to kingdom come sux.

4 comments:

Sarah said...

you have had alot of things to come to terms with , give yourself a chance to adjust. One day you will wake up and feel a little more optimistic. Things will get better hun. Sending you hugs

Joan said...

Take care Tammi, you will find your way.

Tamara said...

Thanks Joan & Sarah.At least I still have my blogger buds.
:-}

Lord Genocyde said...

Yoda Says (Geek Moment Again):

"Patience, you must have. Flows through you, The Force does. Lead you to where you must go, it will. Let go of your fear, you must, for fear is the Path To The Dark Side, hmm..."

He's not lying...take me for example LOL