NEW DAY!

I'm just sitting here racking my brain trying to think of something positive to blog about,and can't come up w/ much in that area.Just that thank the Good Lord I'm still alive and kickin',and that my girls are healthy as well.

on a shitty note tho...here goes....Ray and his old sneaky ways creepin back up.I told him after he came in last night that when he sobered up....PACK AND BE GONE early in the a.m.....that I'm fed up w/ the lies and I don't even wanna discuss it w/ his drunken self.Well....wasn't that smart on my behalf to tell a drunk it's time to go bye-bye.Well.....he ranted and raved and thankfully fell into a drunken sleep,snoring the roof off the house.PTL.

I would rather be beaten, than bold-faced lied to.His ex-wife that desserted(sp) his 2 small children and played ghost for 13 years steps back in their life afew months back,moved back from Virginia(to Texas) and Ray's 18 year old is finally getting to know her Mom,and I'm sooooo happy for the both of them.(his 13 yr old son doesn't seem to care either way)...Every child deserves to know their bio-mom,tho.BUT.....the bad part of it all is the Mom is so badly on crack that she's stealing in malls and other places to get her crack,and I hate that Ray's daughter may wind up in serious trouble b/c of being w/ her on her boosting-sprees.It's so sad that the damn woman just won't work a REAL job,and stay off crack."I" TOTALLY understand addiction,I'm in recovery myself.....although I'll never understand anyone's addiction to crack cocaine,cuz I tried it,and found it to be a total waste of money for such a short high.Nevertheless...I fully understand addiction and how it can take you down as well as others around you! It's just sad.

Well....last night,I hear Ray secretly on the phone(he TRIES to be sneaky ,that is)....and he's cutting crack-mom a deal for some Polo and Tommy clothes etc,giving her sizes etc....so that she can go fill the order.Then he comes and tells me that a GUY across from his Mom's has got the hook-up on some clothes,and that he will be going to pick em' up in the a.m.(it's an hour and a half away from our house).What Mr.Lieing Ray didn't know,was that I had already talked to crack-mom,and KNEW it wasn't just "some guy" getting the duds.My BIGGEST issue is that my daughter,and Ray's daughter are best friends and my daughter would go w/ crack-mom and daughter to different places,and if crack-mom gets busted....who do u think will go down with her? HER OWN daughter(and Ray's) AND OF COURSE MY DAUGHTER TOO (if she's w/ them).

So here we go again thios morning...."Please baby,I won't EVER lie to you again...I just thought u would be mad cuz I was talking to my Ex"!! BULLSHIT! I'm not the witch that would interfere w/ his children's mother and him getting along (for the 2 childrens sake) That's a FACT and he knows it.I have ALWAYS encouraged him to get-along w/ her,since she rolled back on the scene after her release from the Virginia prison(where her Mom N Dad live BTW).I felt she deseved a chance at being a Mom again....EVEN after walking out on them when their son was 2 weeks old,and daughter was only 3 years old.I totally understand in alot of ways due to my 4 and a halk years of prison....so I feel that people deserve a chance.I don't quite understand walking out(out of state) on them when they were 2 precious babies......but at the same time,maybe I shouldn't have held onto my own children thru my drinking,stripping,partying ways.....but this woman only did like 3 years in prison out of the 13 that she stayed gone.I simply can't understand that part of it.

But anyways.....I DO NOT like being lied to....and Ray told lie after lie to back up his story on why he went to Tyler last night,plus had the dealings w/ C-Mom to get stlen clothes at $10-$15 an item.He could have just told me....and ALL i would have said was she just better make damn sure NONE of the kid's were w/ her on her "shopping" spree,OR her crack run!!

Once again...Ray swears to ---- that he will NEVER lie again! How can I live in such distrust.Now everytime he opens his mouth,I wonder how much of what he says is a lie!

STUPID ME! THAT"S HOW I FEEL! OTHERWISE....WHY WOULD I KEEP HIM AROUND? Do I love him??Less and less EVERY day.....to the point that my heart is almost as cold as ice where he's concerned.I USED to LOVE making love to him.....any and everywhere,with all kinds of toys,and the orgasms were UN-FRICKIN'-BELIEVABLE....now he nauseates(spelling?) me.(unless of course I wake up in desperate need)....my bad(lol)....but he's killing all the passion that I've had for so long.But then 2:I'm sitting here w/ a broken neck,and shattered arm,waiting to get pins in it,and financially dependent,and HE KNOWS IT.People say...kick him to the curb Tam,your pretty enuff to land another money-man! I CAN'T ...I WON'T be someone's hoe cuz my bills HAVE TO BE PAID,and that's exactly the way I would feel if I allowed someone to "take Care" of me.Famaly is out of the question....Daddy vowed after prison..."I'm ON MY OWN" (can't fault him for that)....and he's truly held up to those words(found out that,real quick,when I couldn't get my car out of the shop,and dumbass me,maxxed my only 2 credit cards)...ok...another boring issue,so I'll drop that one for another day.lol

Need I say more?....Guess NOT....I've said enough.