BREAK-UP

I'm still in shock over yesterdays events!! Everything went totally

WRONG,and here I sit....pissed at myself and confused as hell.Ray and I FINALLY decided to call it quits and both go on w/ our lives.Ray packed his

things....few words were passed between us(usually it's a big blow-out)...but

this time we acted like adults and decided to just get him packed and

gone.Well...because his truck is screwed,my uncle arranged to take him to the

place where he was gona stay....his job has some houses fore the workers to stay

at...so I didn't feel like he was being thrown in the street.Plus it's all bills

paid and I knew he could get ahead quick there.Well....my uncle came to pick him up,and I guess it took Ray too long getting packed,so my uncle left.Ray asked me sorry...I'll change mode"He took my keys...I couldn't just burn off like I

really wanted to.He wound up convincing me to take him over to a co-workers

house...so I said yes....THEN he asks me "Tammi...is it really over"? and of

course I say" Yes Ray...it's best that we just part ways"....so then he starts

driving my car like a maniac...driving 45-55 in 2nd gear.....driving over 100 on

some really curvy roads saying he's ready to die and he's taking me with him!!

Sometimes heading straight for telephone poles and cars...all I could do was beg

him to please stop and let me out....and hoped that some car going down the road

would call the authorities and tell them there's a wreckless driver driving all

over the road etc....no such luck.I had to use my survival instincts,and start

telling him how much I love him,and that I wasn't really serious about leaving

him at the workers' house.So.....long story short....he slowed down and drove

straight back home.My uncle was here and I told him what just took place,and he

jumped up and told Ray to take his ass outside NOW,cuz he's gona rearrange his

F'xxxxin face.Then I had to get in between them cuz my poor uncle is 70 years

old (he's stout as an ox) but I didn't want them to fight over my stupid ass

mistake.Ray stayed locked outside half the night.....and I didn't give a shit in

the least.Yes....I should have called the cops....but for many reasons(that I

choose not to discuss) I can't involve the police.Or believe me...I would

have.God knows I wanted to.But we BOTH would have went to jail.My bedroom window wasn't locked,and the idiot pulls it up and starts begging me to please just give him ONE more chance.Just one week.....and if he as much as calls me one foul name,he'll leave without any drama....The my uncle winds up going

outside and talking to him for about an hour......and so here we are.on a 7 day

countdown.(as far as Ray is concerned)....but I still feel the same way in my

heart.It's OVER!!! Anybody that can drive my car like that hoping we

would crash and die.....doesn't give a shit about himself,muchless anybody

else! Sure...he may really love me....but he's not mentally

stable,and besides the car incident he's proved that on many other

occasions.I love him,and I KNOW I will miss him....but I refuse to sit around

and wait till he decides he wants to kill me again.His older brother shot his

wife and 9 year old son before shooting himself....and sometimes I wonder

if that kind of behavior is hereditary....If only my Uncle would have taken

him yesterday...I would have my freedom today.No more "Shut the fuck

up,Tammi"....No more dumbasses,or dumb bitch,no more threats.....When we

actually split up a few years ago...I cried my eyes out...This time,I honestly

felt NOTHING but joy in my heart.Dammitt....why did my plans go to shit?6 1/2

days...and there won't be any drama...his bags will be brought to that house

while he's at work....and I won't be anywhere to be found,cuz I don't want a

phone call...nor will I be STUPID enough to be left alone with him,that's for

damn sure.Most people from the outside looking in on the situation say "Call the

police"....but the problem w/ that is Ray KNOWS I can't! First of

all,nowadays...in a family disturbance case...both parties go to jail.Second

thing is,I have tickets that I haven't paid...so I'm sure he

would MAKE THAT KNOWN REAL QUICK...SO OFF TO JAIL WE WOULD both GO...AND RAY KNOWS IT.If I just had those payed I could get a restaining order....I could get a hell-of-alot more leverage (if that makes any sense)......

Well....enuff moanin' and groanin' for one day!!!

lol