Fantasy vs.The Real Thing

Fantasy vs.The Real Thing

I'm not sure what is going on in my head these days.I haven't even blogged lately,cuz I'm really not too sure if my family somehow has this link.But.....what the hell....they know I'm not exactly a choir girl,or an angel anyways.lol

But I've been thinking about this person I met online alot here lately,and she.......yes.......I said she has almost got me telling myself "I wish I never left Houston" (that's where she lives).I'm not exactly satisfied w/ my current situation.Ray isn't the Ray I met....the country life is bout' to kill me......Better job market in H-Town,not to mention Daddy is going back in for another heart surgery (he also lives in H-Town)......it's like everything points me in that direction.But where the confusion comes in is,well,I really find this person very sweet,smart,sexy,and we are both bi,but my thing is I'm sick of playing baby sitter to a man.It's like Ray isn't even trying to meet my needs,emotionally or physically,and it's getting old....real old.Some women I work w/ talk about how gross it is for 2 people of the same sex to be together....but what do those old hags know about anything? All they do is the same thing they've been doing for years,and that's probably "meet HIS needs" and that's supposed to be the woman's main role in life.I'm simply attracted to the softness and beauty of another woman.....in prison I think women were mostly attracted to the women that "tried" to walk,talk,and look like a man,simply because they miss that part of their life.And good grief,there are some women in prison that you would swear it was really a man....with the haircut,the mannerism's,etc....and then the funny part is when the boy/girl (he/she) goes to visitation to see her husband and kid's.I always wondered what the husband and kid's thought of Mom's new buzz haircut and stuff...lol....but long before I made it to prison,back when I was a dancer making better money than I ever dreamed(i miss that part of it 4-sure),I got so sick of the male macho kinda crap....it's like I wasn't alone in that area either.If men only knew how we laughed at them in the dressing room at how stupid they were,almost begging you to meet them after work....get to know them,and he would take you away from the stripper life.Always the guys with big money,big houses,new cars etc....but some men just never understand,some women CAN'T be bought.Well....maybe some CAN,but if that's the case...it's not ever gona be a good sturdy relationship,it's just based on the money,in my opinion.Been there....done that too.I was miserable..The old saying says "sometimes you can't have it all"....and "ain't" that about the truth ?

Like I was telling my friend in N.Y.,nothing compares to a good "stiff" one....but then again....nothing compares to the softness of the touch of a woman either.

My cousin Becky was gay her whole life and never hesitated to bring her girlfriend to family functions.Everyone treated her o.k.,but then the remarks and jokes behind Beck's back,were unbelievable.Wonder how those family members feel now,since she shot and killed herself over a girl she was with for 7 years.She went in the living room after a big arguement they were having and told her "Now look what you've done"? and then she went back in the bedroom and shot herself.I always thought Becky was cool,cuz she was friggin REAL....nothing fake about her.She didn't even wear make-up or curl her hair,but then two,she wasn't even the type that tried to play the "man's role" either.She was just Becky...plain and simple.39 years old when she killed herself,and I never remember her having a boyfriend....although she told me in high school she dated a guy,but that was IT after that.I always wondered if he done something really stupid to Becky,because that was the first(I think) and the last guy she was with.I don't think that my family would be too shocked if I wound up with this girl in Houston.I could always say..."we are just friends",and that would be a lie.But I have always been the black sheep anyways....always shocking the hell out of my family.Dancing really floored them for a while,and gave em' lots to talk about....but then when I went to the pen,that was an even bigger shocker.Or maybe not....they always said those places are gona get me in deep shit.lol....but it wasn't dancing that got me locked up....it was a pissed off man that I spent 2 years with,that filed on me.Then the idiot tried to drop the charges,but the District Attorney said "no way".Couldn't make it through the 10 years probation,so down I went.No.....I don't totally blame him,cuz I wasn't a perfect angel back then....and truth be known,if the state knew the half of my bullshit,I would have gotten a heck of alot more years! lol But who initiated the whole thing? A friggin' pissed off MAN,who swore I was cheating on him,and I WASN'T.I really and truly wasn't.My grandma always reminded us of the golden rule,that has always stuck with me.."Do unto others' as you would have them do unto you".So I have always tried to consider how "I" would feel if the other person did it to me....in whatever situation it was.How would "I" feel if he/she done the same thing??

Anyways....I'm feeling stuck in a situation that's NOT getting any better.I packed Ray's things not too long ago,and bout had him out of my life....then his father got taken off of all the machines in the hospital,and Ray cried.How could I turn my back on him,now,he said? 1st he loses his father,he was so close to,and then me? DAMN! Bad timing....I know.But Ray promised things would change,and he would be a better person,if I would too.I don't ever see that happening,though,cuz he has more mood swings than anyone I've ever known.You never know when he's gona be in a good mood or bad.Just when you think you might be making him half-ass happy.....he looks miserable.It just pulls me down,big time.Ray thinks us having a 3-some is a GREAT idea.In that sense....I guess maybe I am old fashion,because whether it be male or female.....I'm very jealous.I can't imagine somebody else's hands on something that I feel belongs to me.Guess I'm kinda territorial(sp).I wish more people were like my friend in New York.He's so smart,and has such a unique way of thinking things thru.....I have even caught myself wondering what life would be like with HIM.So this tells me maybe my heart is really NOT where it should be,where Ray is concerned.

But now what? Keep going like this? Nope....somethings' gotta change,cuz life is just flying right by me,it seems like.I keep thinking "well,hell,at least it's better than being locked up"....but sometimes I can't see the difference.I still feel like I'm on lockdown,and maybe that's good for me in some ways,but am I happy? Does anyone even care if I'm happy? nope.

Woe is me....lol....poor,poor,pitiful me.Isn't that a song or something? lol

Maybe I should try to start this day over.Not a great way to start ur day boo-hoo'ing.lol