AFTERMATH

What a week. Haven't been home to blog,but I can't see anything too noteworthy to blog about.Thanksgiving ended w/ another fight.What's new?We cooked all day....he left....didn't come back till late....my thing is....if he would have called to SAY he wasn't coming home till late,then I could have went somewhere TOO.But hell no! That's too much like RIGHT for him.Another threat to leave,in which "I" fully intended to follow thru with this time.One of these days,he's gona come home and I'm not gona be here.How much more crap will I take before I decide to do it?? I swear,if I were a doctor,I think he could be diagnosed w/ either bipolar or just plain ol' split personalities.One minute he's fine....the next,he looks miserable,and it's making me sooooo miserable!!

My best friend isn't helping much either,by calling and telling me what a blast she is having ALL the time since her divorce! But then again,she just got royally screwed by a guy that was "secretly" on drugs.How this could happen is a huge puzzle to me....cuz she and I have "partied" so much,she ought to be able to spot ANYTHING a mile away!!!But I don't know....maybe love is really blind.I really believe that old saying....cuz everyone says "Tammi,you need to BAIL,cuz Ray's not worth it"...and here I am...still here! Lisa bailed,and is having a blast.

Looks as tho' change can be fun,so why don't I try it? Guess the fear of making another wrong move is consuming me! I dunno.....

One time this lady tells me to write out a list of EVERYTHING you want in a man.So I did.Then when I got finished making this list,she tells me to go down the list and name which one of these things that Ray is....and guess what? Ray only made 1 and a half points out of 14 things that I like in a man.lol The rest of the 14 things,I couldn't say that Ray could qualify for any of them.Whoa!! What an eye-opener that was. That sort of made sense,ya know?

So why am I still here? Hmmmm........???Fear of change maybe?? I KNOW I'm no perfect angel....I have my share of faults too....but if I'm not everything that he wants,and if I'm the one making him look so miserable,then why don't he just burn off....cuz life seems like it is just passing us both by while we sit here miserable.If he wants out,then why don't we just be adult about it and do what's best? Now THAT'S a loaded question.

My daughter loves Austin.I'm so happy for her....but I sure do miss her.Maybe that's a good place to move to.I have lotsa family around Austin too....I wish my cousin in Austin were still alive,and I would seriously consider it.She shot herself over a girl she was w/ for about 7 years.People thought it was because she was confused about her lesbian lifestyle....no way! Becky had been gay for most of her 39 years before she killed herself.But she was fighting w/ her GF and she was depressed over her.Becky was alot of fun...she was REAL,and that's why she got my respect...she wasn't trying to be anything she wasn't....she was just Becky.I sure do miss her.Especially on the holididay's,is when I think of her the most.I am so disappointed in her for doing that too...it just doesn't sound like something that she would do,cuz she was just so SURE of herself all the time....or so it seemed.My Aunt and Uncle think the GF did it,but they never could find the proof to convict her.So I dunno??

Well........Gotta go carry some movie rentals back,and go see what I can think of to fix for supper.I'm tired of the same O',Same O'....I think I need some new recipes.