PRISON TAMMI/PRISON PETE

Prison Pete

I seriously doubt that my blog is interesting to

anybody but me.....but reading some of Prison Pete's

story has really encouraged me to get my thoughts from

my prison life online instead of on-paper.Mainly b/c I

just happened to run across my handwritten experience

the other day and thought to myself..."gee...this is

something that doesn't need to get lost again".My

heart went into my day-to-day prison experience that I

put on those simple sheets of paper,and I really would

hate to lose them.Maybe someone can relate to my

experience....maybe there will be different views on

what it was like....but as for me.....this was my own

personal hell:

After being in 2 county jail's for a total of 8

months....6 months of that time in county I spent w/

Elaine Hayes,one of the co-conspiriters(sp) of a

murder in Tyler Texas.She was a trip btw.Another

story.

The jailer came in at 2 a.m. in the morning and said

"Pack it up Corbett,your on the TDC

chain"....omigosh,it was such a relief!! I was just so

happy to get the heck out of that cramped up jail

cell! Handcuffed and shackled,the ride there seemed

like a million miles.The anticipation and the fear of

the unknown was just overwhelming!Not really knowing

exactly what to expect,just mostly thinking about the

many things that I had seen on t.v. or heard from a

couple of people in jail.Before going to jail I don't

recall ever meeting anybody that had ever been to

prison.Odd as it seemed in my mind watching us pass

cars,I remember thinking"how did I let it ever get

this far?" Yep..I was on my way to the "big house".

We pull into the parking lot of the Woodman Unit in

Gatesville Texas~through a fenced in area.The guards

in gray suits lock it,and then we pull into another

fenced in area and they lock it too.The transportation

weapon that Sgt.Paula was carrying was put into a

lock-box and a mirror was rolled under the bottom of

the van to check for weapons or people that might want

to pull an ambush or something of that nature.I'm lead

into the reception area of TDC along w/ the bag of

things I brought w/ me from the county.They searched

my things piece-by-piece for contraband,letting me keep paper,stamped envelopes and photo's and white

t-shirts N panties.Things that I was told I could

have.They took away my contacts and hiking boots.I was

told the boots were not allowed because of the metal

hooks on them could be used to make weapons(which,to

me,later on I found out was so stupid,simply b/c they

issue you steel toed boots AND razors to shave

with.Where is the logic in that?

Next an officer says mechanically to "step this way

Corbett....strip down to nothing".She then looks into

your ears,into your mouth,tells you to raise your breasts,shake your hair,turn around,bend over,spread

your butt cheeks,bend,squat and cough.The whole

process is a YELL btw,never cracking a smile.I'm

thinking"how rude"! I have this terrible nervous

condition sometimes where I somehow manage to laugh

when I'm nervous....and holy cow,THAT is one time that

NOTHING should be funny according to that big fat

broad that yelled right in my face when I sniggered.I

just thought the bend,squat,cough routine was only in

the movies.Nope.That officer let me know REAL quick



that there "ain't a fucking thing funny about the

state penetentiary".She had a good point!

Your given an (ugly) white cotton granny gown,and

sent to a small observation cage w/ nothing but a

toilet and about 15 other women crammed in this

tank.One at a time we are taken out and examined by a

doctor from our private parts to our toe-nails

checking everywhere for hidden contraband and

lice.Then we were given de-lice

shampoo....shampooed,and sprayed for lice even if you

don't have it.Given a bag w/ a roll of toilet tissue,a

towel,kotex,and taken to the area called the "Dog

Pound"(and that's exactly what it looks like

too)Approximately 30 cages w/ 8 women to a

cage,upstairs and downstairs.Every inch of every cage

can be seen by officers in the control picket,and it's

degrading as hell.Male officers as well as female can

see ever single square inch of the cages.To me,THAT

was my worste 2 weeks of my stay at TDCJ.One 2 minute

shower a day,up at 3:30 a.m. to be fully

dressed,steel-toed boots and all.3 trips to the chow

hall w/ 10 minutes or less to eat and get out.The rest

of the time you stay in that cage unless

medical,dental or inmate records(for visitation slips

to be made) calls you out.Given inventory slips for

electrical stuff and contacts which the nurse gave

back to me.I stayed in the dog pound for 2 weeks until

I was moved into a dorm w/ 49 other really loud

women.My 1st job was assigned to commissary 8-5.That's

considered a trusted job,so I was told that I may be

stuck on that shitty unit b/c of my job.I stopped being

good at my job b/c I would have died of heat

exhaustion in those dorms!In 2 months I pulled chain

to Reception(cellblock),where the REAL lockdown

began.The day I arrived there,it was basically the

same procedure as

Woodman.Strip-bend-squat-cough,Propert

inventoried,classification,etc..An ALL DAY

process.This unit is where people stay that can't be

housed w/ other inmates(protective custody)such as Selena's killer.I stayed on that cold cellblock,cold

showers,for 3 weeks waiting to get assigned to a

prison unit.I spent Christmas and New Years(98)

there.2nd trip to the chow-hall,the table next to me

swore up and down that my name was Darlie Routier(the

crazy one that stabbed to death her 2 sons).That

wierded me out! I didn't have my i.d.on me to prove

otherwise! Had to watch my back going back to my

cell.Classification: I Was first classified to a

trustee unit.Everyone on the block said"no

way,Corbett,your not even a stat-3(trustee).So I spent even longer there getting RE-classified,as they made a

huge mistake.Then was classified to the largest unit,Lane Murray.Maximum security.I was shocked b/c I

had prayed to NOT get sent where my mother had done

her time(Murray) and lo and behold,that's exactly

where they sent me.I was so shocked when I seen my

mother at reception!! She had looooong silver hair! I

NEVER knew my mothers hair was ANYTHING but

brownish/black! We cried.We were fortunate to get a 10 minute approval to talk to each other after the

Leiutenent was certain that we REALLY were biological

mother/child.Talk about a God-thing! Out of thousandsa

of women,and several prison units we ran across each

other.I was coming into prison,she was there at

reception for medical/dental reasons, Then my time came to go to Lane Murray.When we

pulled in it was a cloudy dreary day,which totally set

the dreary mood I was in.Same body search process.Sent

across to a small room w/ others to await inventory of

your propert(again).Checking your slips for your

electrical stuff(blowdryers radios etc).I was assigned

a dorm/cubicle and given a job in maintenance.Seems

like everywhere you go...when you 1st get there...the dorm gets totally quiet and you can feelthe eyes on

you,sizing you up,following your evry move.You just

have to follow the numbers on the cubicles to find

yours,because you sure don't get a welcoming committee

in prison.In fact nobody even likes answering newbie

questions.So to avoid smart-ass comments-you just

don't ask! It's wierd how these people give you these

cold-hard stares and roll their eyes at you-as if to say"Don't even think about fucking with me"!You try

not to look intimidated and give back that same

hard-ass glare-but inside I was scared to death and hope it doesn't show outwardly! lol .I put my things

down in my cubicle and took a look around and at 1st I

could have sworn I was on a co-ed unit,because there

were quite a few women that would pass for men

easily!They come to prison and take on the roll as a

husband,brother,or father figure that some people miss

dearly.It's game.They return to their proper rolls for

visitation and when they leave to go home.These are

known as stud-broads,butches,bull-daggers,or little

boys.Lovers refer to each other as "my wife".The girly

females are considered "femmes".I'd say at least 85%

of the population participates in homosexual

activity-mostly for commissary or just to continue the

relationship games that they are so accustomed to in

the free-world.Self-esteem is so low they feel they need to get their feeling of self-worth and acceptance

from another individual(even if it has to be a

woman),as long as the need for attention is getting

met.If someone is co-dependent in the free-world,and

never really been alone out there without male

companionship-then they just go ahead and "settle" for

a woman to get all those co-dependent needs met. Marriage cerimonies are taken very seriously in

prison.It usually takes place in the restroom area

with someone jiggin' for them(jiggin'=watching for

officers) Sometimes the marriage is complete w/

attendants,flowers,rings,etc...it all seems so crazy for an outsider looking in-but in prison it's taken

very serious,and just seems to be the norm. Lines,lines,lines.Everwhere you go-especially

chow-hall and pill-line,there is a long line.If you

get caught talking in that line,you get a case.Talking

anywhere outside the dorm,is a case.An officer will

write you up in a heart beat.It's considered a miner

case,but too many minor cases can lead to getting them

enhanced to a major case.The cosequences of cases

range anywhere from loss of

priveleges(recreation,commissary,visits,library,church ,etc)There are literally hundreds of things that can

get you wrote up.Contraband,failure to do an assigned duty,cursing,fighting...and many many more things can

get you wrote up.Major cases such as sex cases and

fighting can also take your good time away.Chowhall is

sometimes like a social event for lovers to meet and

try to sneak up in the line to be able to sit with

their partner.The chowhall seated 200 people and when

your finished eating you have to raise your hand and

wait on an officer to see you and give you the nod or

say"GO". Lovers quarrels often go on in the chowhall,and it

got ugly.Almost daily you see a fight

somewhere...whether it's the dorm,chowhall,rec,or main

street,so it's not uncommon to hear the officer

yell"Face the wall"!You don't move and you don't turn

around and look or you can get a case. It's never good to make close friends,because you

get moved alot.Dorm to dorm...or unit to unit.You may

get sent to other units for a vocation,college,or a

pre-release unit.But in alot of ways,prison friends

often become the support necessary for surviving a

hostile abusive environment that can exacerbate the

low self esteem,lack of initiative and poor decision

making skills that got women into prison in the 1st

place.Often times "so-called" friends can set you up

w/ a shank or other weapons to keep the "friend" from

being released.Nowdays,though,if you maintain good

behavior throughout your stay -then the officials

realize that it's a set-up. Prison is also a place to meet new dope

connections,cooks,and often learn new and improved

ways to committ crimes and get by with it.Or at least

you "think" you are getting by with it...but sooner or

later it catches up w/ you.It's inevitable.It's pretty

cut-n-dry.You break the law,you gamble with your

freedom~and the outcome is never good.

Some officers are decent and treat you w/

respect,but those are usually the new ones.After a

period of time,they develope crappy attitudes like

other officers that have been there a while-also due

to the inmates disrespecting them,and the manipulation

that the hard-core women dish out,which in turn,gets

the officer in trouble by their superiors for the

(new)officer letting the inmate manipulate them.But on

the other hand-the really hard-nose(by the book)

officers get no respect and catch hell from the

inmates.They get psyche meds slipped into their

drinks,get feces and urine thrown on them,and when

he/she trys to say anything to the dorm,people just

yell obsenities back at them(like fat-ass,dumb bitch etc..) The so-called "good" officers know their

boundries,and for the most part are treated decent(not

always).But those always catch hell from their

superiors(rank) for not being more aggressive, but

she'll just blow it off(keeping the popularity among

prisoners if there is such a thing).Guess it's one of

those catch 22's.

Alot of men are literrally escorted off the unit,or

arrested for sexual acts w/ the females(female guards

AND male)The inmate just gets a case and put on

lockdown,and gets a unit transfer.The officer is

history.I seen alot of stuff in that place-and to

think: I thought I saw it ALL in the street!I

witnessed things in there that I hope I never see

again-and some things that are too disgusting to even talk about.Alot of injustice by the system-not just w/

inmates!

People say that they don't want to talk about their

crime-that's usually the sex-offenders or

murderers,it's just obvious.But there are no secrets

in TDC.There's always someone from your county that is familiar w/ your case.Or usually once you tell one person,it gets all over thanks to gossipp.

Diseases are rampid in TDC.I was shocked when I

first found out that we were all housed

together.HIV/Aides,Syphillus,Hepatitus,herpes...makes

no difference,you all use the same showers,bathrooms

etc..But what was more shocking is to see the number

of people that had aides and were prostitutes on the

streets,not even knowing they had a disease till they

came to prison,spreading it like wildfire. I think,to me,the hardest part of my stayin TDCwas

the seperation from my girls.Even though when I was in

the free-I still wasn't really "there" for them like I

should have been But then you are left alone in prison

with your thoughts(and regrets) of guilt,shame and

remorse and your conscience eventually starts wearing at you for being such a crappy parent.That,to me,is

the true meaning of hard=time!!Having to sit back and

reflect on your life thinking how things could be,or

should have been,but instead you feel like a total

failure as a mother. But then....after the stage of wallowing in

self-pity-I decided that it wasn't going to change ANYTHING to sit and feel sorry for myself.I had to say to myself "O.K.!Those things happened and I can't

turn back time and change it.So now what?What steps

can I take to prevent those things from happening

again?How can I stay out of prison,be a better Mom,and

a productive member of society?"Not only that....but

most of us as drug addicts in the free,built walls

around us and were prisoners of our addictions!

Addiction to

drugs,alcahol,shopping,men,over-eating,under-eating

and many other obssessive compulsive behaviors that

helped us into the gates of the REAL penetentiary.To

many of us...prison was God's way of saving our lives

and those around us.

It's the children that suffer from our crimes.When

we first go down,they hang on to our necks when the

visit is over-begging for you to come home with

them,but then after a while,after they have seen you

come in and out and stay gone for so long-then the

child becomes cold and bitter.They develope a built-in

mechanism to shut off their pain...their feelings and

emotions.

There are alot of bad things to speak on about

prison,but the best part of it all,is it's a time for

you to slow dow, sit back and evaluate your life,and

decide what is more important to you,and get your

priorities in order.The daily process there and

negativity eats away at your spirit,but you just have

to find a way to rise above it,and look at all the

positive it brings,and be bound and determined to

leave there a much better person than the one that

came.I had to start right there in prison,learning to

obey even the simplest of rules in order to make parole.It's not much different out here.To keep your

freedom,obeying the rules and laws of the land will

keep you out of lockup.Just the criminal "sneaky"

behavior can easily take over and lead to crimes that

can get you locked up again. Making parole: To make parole you must meet several

requirements.Your out-date is on your time sheet,but it all depends on what legislature law you fall under when you committed the crime,your criminal

history,your behavior while in prison and many other

things determine when you will make parole or be

released.I recieved 3 (5) year sentences,and a (4)

year sentence(non-aggrivated) that the Judge chose to

run concurrent.If it would have been stacked I would

probably still be there.Really,that's NO time compared

to the people that got life sentences,meaning they

won't even be considered for parole for at least 40

flat calender years!But to me,being locked up a total

of 4 and a half years was an eternity.Few people can

ever imagine just how long even one year in prison

is.In there....time stops.Some days,you don't even

feel like a living being,just exisiting from one day

to the next,coasting through like your in some kind of

bad nightmare and can't wake up out of it.People fail

to realize that being locked up is punishment

enough-your punished in many more ways in prison.But

there are times when you get pushed too damn far and

you just can't keep your mouth shut.You have to stand

your ground or you'll get bullied.You can't stand

there and lose your pride when someone gets in your

face,you have to go right back at them,but look like a

raving lunatic,and 9 times out of 10 they back down

first to keep from getting a case.You live among

people that look as innocent and act as innocent as

the driven snow,but you can't let looks fool you.They

are also faces of baby killers or people that are

locked up b/c of child pornography and abuse!Even gray

haired little ladies shocked me to hear the things

that they done(even in their older years).You live in

dorms full of sociopaths,psychopaths,psychotic,and

people w/ severe personality disorders.Some were born

that way,some just were burnt out from to many harsh

chemicals in the drugs.I found out real quick,it

wasn't just stuff on t.v.~the worste of the worste

criminals are plucked off the street(society's

rejects)and put in small confined areas and are told

to "get along with each other"What a joke!

Studies have shown that you can take the wildest

beast in the jungle-put him in a cage,and then take

him back out and into the jungle...and he can't

survive.You've destroyed his automatic defense.Alot of

ex-prisoners never even make it back to prison,but

committ suicide or over-dose,never learning to love

themselves enough to stop destroying themselves.She

has become victimized in the past and just passes it

on as the one being the victimizer,some form of

payback for what was done to them.A viscious cycle.

Those who have broken the law and take

ownership/responsibility for their actions,who feel

connected to family,and to other people,wll have

motivation NOT to break the law again.Whereas,those

who always feel that they are the "victim"of

circumstance,won't stand a chance.

As for me...I had no choice but to own up to my

screw-ups.Poor decision making,that's for sure.The

funny thing is....I was told before I was released,by

a counselor,that the hardest thing to face when you

get out is the decisions..For years you haven't been

able to decide anything for yourself,then all of a

sudden your forced to make all the decisions.At first

it really was overwhelming .Life without

bells,buzzers,locked doors,watching your back,it was

all frightening at first.The right to choose what you

want to eat,what you want to wear,where you want to

go.It all seems so trivial now,but it really was

overwhelming when I was first released.It was

exhausting,and I know it required alot of patience

from people around me.

I was told I would be treated like a leper out

here,by inmates that got out and went back in.I see

what they mean now.Re-intergrating back into

society,and being self-supporting and self-sufficient

isn't as easy as some would like to think,but it can

be done.Tell someone that you were just released from

prison and watch their response.It's almost as if they

can't wait to hurry-up and get their purse locked in

the trunk.lolBut that's the price that you have to

pay,for doing what you KNOW in your heart was wrong in

the first place.Support groups saved my life when I

got out.I finally found a common bond with people just

like me trying to get exactly where I wanted to be in

life.Just free.Free form any kind of

imprisonment,whether it be TDC or the prisoner of your

own addiction.

It was in prison where I finally found that my life

had a purpose...really it always has-but I was too

caught up in the fast life to slow down and see what

my purpose was.

I have reachable goals now and I want more for

myself and my children than what prison life has to

offer.

I feel so much gratitude to my family that stuck w/

me throughout the whole ordeal-it's immeasurable.Those

who ran out on me...well....I don't feel anything

toward them.No anger-no hurt.I ran out on them FIRST.

No...it wasn't the end of the world,like I

originally thought going into TDC.....it was the

beginning of a brand new one~but seeing it through

clear eyes makes a world of difference.

Change is beautiful.

I used to be Tamara Corbett #844943

Now I'm just Tamara Corbett

no spell check...I'm exhausted from all the typing....Uuugh! lol