Sunday, August 4, 2013

So sad today.My daughter is back in jail facing prison time.The Judge may have a heart and re-instate her...but I don't know because she's already been re-instated once not too long ago.I'm feeling so many mixed emotions.Blame...I set a horrible example for my 2 daughters.People keep saying,"ohh its not ur fault,she's grown,etc,etc..."But what am I supposed to think?Ive been to prison twice and
what child should HAVE to endure that kind of life?My other daughter is the exact opposite.She would NEVER smoke embalming fluid(which is what my youngest is facing prison time for).She is byfar not perfect,but she's so opposite from her sister in that,she would be scared to death to ever steal from a store,or anything like that.I'm just so sad right now I can hardly find the words to put on paper to write her.She's in Henderson Co,not near me---but when she gets moved back (soon) I will be able to go see her and I'm terrified I'm gona fall to pieces.Even though like everyone keeps saying:she IS in a safe environment,unlike where she was before she got locked up...it STILL hurts knowing the conditions she is living in.Only because I've been on the inside...NOT just an outsider looking in.I've been there,seen the depths of despair.The fighting.The hunger.I have failed her when she was younger...but when I was released last Oct.2012,I tried to not just TELL her how to live,I'v e tried showing her how easy it is to live right.She refused to even come stay with me(probably when I said no drugs,no hoodlums in my home etc)But maybe if I would have did more to encourage her to come live with me and dealt with things as they came...then maybe she wouldn't be where she is...I don't know.Just thinking outloud.Used to blog daily.Then for 2 years I handwrote in journals(on the inside)...but had it not been for releasing my anger or depression on paper,I would have kept things held inside and let it come out in all the wrong ways,making my time worse.My prayer for you today Kalon is to find peace in ur heart,and take this time and think about choosing a new way to live,because after the beatings you took,the robbery & other things I can't mention..babygirl,you are lucky to be alive.Sadly,I have to admit to u that I am more content that u ARE in a safer place.Not completely safe,afterall they've taken the worste of the worste off the streets & put them all together....so I STILL worry about ur safety.I worry that the Judge wanted a 20-30 year sentence when u got this case,and I pray he doesn't do that.But at least your not where u were at.I love you Kalon.I will be here for you 110% and stand by ur side the whole way thru this.I miss u babygirl.I miss the Kalon that graduated high school and was against anything or anybody involved in drugs.I love u....Mom 

5 comments:

Walker said...

You can teach your kids how to live and show them the mistakes you made but in the end they choose what they want to do and make those choices we hate.
I tell mine all the time how hard life is and about the traps put out to snare those who don't believe they could be caught but that's all we can do.
The rest is up to them to listen or learn the hard way.
I hope she doesn't get a hefty sentence and could use this time to understand and wean herself off the embalming fluid that's killing t he kids of the world , not just our own.

Bill said...

Tammi you really need to write her cause she feels abandoned by all her family and I know you know that feeling from being inside for so long. Please write to her so she does not feel this way. I sent her a second letter with pics today so hopefully she'll get it before they move her out of Anderson county.

Tamara said...

I have written her Bill.She hasn't written back.Maybe b/c I was so harsh toward her when she called me high.Wish I hadn't have done that.But I was livid.I offered her a place to come here in the extra bedroom,but could not allow any mess to go on around here,or around an 82 yr old.No guys or girls in & out,no drugs,etc...but I thought we were bonding again at one point,but then when she messed up,it seems as tho she just gave up.I love her so much,but sometimes I just don't know what to do or say.I do call Leon sometimes and ask if he has sent her money and keeping in touch and he always says"of course"...he loves her.

Tamara said...

Even tho u & I didn't make it...I would appreciate u not sharing ur hate for me by dogging me out to my child.I've tried talking to u like adults,but u come back at me with anger and false accusations...but what happened between u & I has nothing to do with my daughter whom u have only seen in person 3 times in her life.If that.She only knows what she reads about u.But doesn't know u as a real Dad becuz u have not even known her that long and only via internet.Besides spending an hour at CC's pizza and a visit to her apt. to bring my computer screen.Can't even recall a 3rd time...but being a Dad is more than what u are portraying.Although I DO appreciate u standing by her now.That means a lot to her and me.So when u are writing her all I ask is that u don't judge or condemn me because I couldn't live out there with you.If u truly care for her..positivity is the key,and uplifting things is what she needs.Not slamming me,as I already feel guilty enuff for not being a better mother.

Bill said...

Tammi,
She did right me and told me she got your letter while she was in Anderson county. She said she had not had time to write back. she did say you had offered her a place but she was too messed up to even make sense of it all and glad she wound up where she is. I never would dog on you to her as I know a daughter always needs her mom in her life. Maybe I haven't been there a lot as her Dad but I still care about her and only wish her the best. She also told me that you, Rayven, your mom, and me were on her visitor list if you get a chance to go see her. She said her release date is March, 23rd, 2014 to the halfway house for 3 months. She also said she needed money on her books so if Leon or you or Rayven want to send her anything you can send it via Jpay her # is 1878582. If I had it you know I would send some but you know my financial situation. Hopefully I may have some I can send by the end of the month to her.